Magnolia; My experience with the movie

Saturday, October 5, 2013
Some random post on 9gag lead me to watching the movie Magnolia(1991) and nobody loves a weird movie more than I do. It was weird because there are so many darn stories running parallel at the same time, my slow mind could not make sense out of most of it until the movie neared its end. The man who says "I do have love to give, I just don't know where to put it", the girl who hangs a painting on her wall that says "but it did happen", and the little boy who tells his father "you need to be nicer to me"; these things had a strange effect on my marijuana influenced mind.
Everyone is looking for forgiveness but hardly anyone is looking to forgive others. We do not accept other people's apologies because we weigh it against the loss they have caused us; one word and a few tears seem nothing in comparison to the loss we have had to endure. The satisfaction that comes from imposing the same amount of suffering as they did on you gives us a sense of victory. During one particular session, my doctor did something to me called the "Inner Mental Chamber" where I was confronted with all my different nemeses and I could do whatever I wanted to them. Needless to say, I beat them senseless with various weapons, went as far as to gut one of them out. I was not afraid, it was my turn now. I could fight and easily defeat my monsters and I did. But that was only allowed because it was in my head; it was imaginary. Out in the real world, I can never imagine inflicting that kind of pain on anyone, mainly because it is against the law. I will not go as far as to say that I forgive them out of the kindness of my heart. I am not kind, I just try very hard to be. I have seen myself lose control and let out all the trapped rage; it is not pretty. In that moment, when the control is lost, my true self comes out and defeats the 'values' that I pride myself on. The 'values' lose the war to my hidden monstrous self.
I think I get where these values come from. I was raised with more rewards than with punishments. My crimes were easily forgiven and forgotten but my parents rewarded me for every good thing I did, more than once. It did not make me beg for their approval but it did make me believe that kindness is rewarded. I had lost faith in people's goodness and humanity on a general principle. I would usually spend my day looking for people looking for assistance. Blind people in need of help with crossing the street, a foreigner who looked lost and needed directions, or an old lady looking for someone to help her with her heavy bags and it struck me one fine day- does doing all this without any personal interest make me a kind person? Or does it make me an asshole who is always in need of appreciation from random strangers on the street? Either way, I was helping people I didn't know without any material gain (a scale on which most accomplishments are measured) and that did make me kind in their eyes. They do not know me or my story and I don't know theirs, for them I am a kind stranger. They will smile at me, thank me for my help and then, they will probably never see me again.
I am looking to be kind to people who have never  done anything for me while I reject those who were important enough for me to feel hurt by their actions. Funny how life works..

The final minutes of the movie end with Aimee Mann's Save Me:

You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you - save me
Come on and - save me
If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell 
You know what it's like 
The long farewell 
Of the hunger strike 

But can you save me 
Come on and save me 
If you could save me 
From the ranks of the freaks 
Who suspect they could never love anyone 

You struck me down like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

She Will Be Loved But Will I?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013
"Beauty Queen of Only Eighteen,
She Had Some Trouble With Herself", not a beauty queen but always had trouble(s) with myself.
"I am just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her", will he?
"Bared on your tomb, I'm prayer for your loneliness", take me and you will never be lonely again.

Again, just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Note- none of the above videos are mine. Copyrights belong to respective owners. I just borrowed them because they are really good :) thats all

Being That Girl

Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I am the girl who checks out guys on the street; if I see someone I like, I hope they look at me and smile so I can smile back. I never have the intention to act on it but I do hope to get smiles from complete strangers. Yes, I am that girl. I have never been alone but have been lonely for a long time; I crave for a cuddle every now and then, I hug my pillow and fall back to sleep soundly. I love my morning bike rides, so much that sometimes I close my eyes and turn my head up even when its burning summer and the sun is beating down on me, it can burn my skin but not my euphoria. I flirt with my boss, sometimes he flirts back; for that tiny moment, I feel happy for the attention he paid me. Yes, I am that girl. I have been in and out of love many a times but I still believe that there is one soul mate for everyone but I don’t however believe that you have to look for them or that you definitely will meet them. They are there in the universe but no, they weren’t tailor-made for you. Some people are just more suitable for each other than others and so, for our love of fairytales and magic, we call them our soul-mates, we believe.
‘I don’t know what you saw in me, I am a self-obsessed and mean person. Not good for someone like you’, he said. What I saw was his kind eyes and simplicity and what I intended was to bring him out of this self-image that he has created based on other people’s views. I intended on showing him the little kind deeds he does for people but fails to notice, so he will know there is good in him. I intended on making him feel needed, desired. In an instant I realized that my maternal instincts had surpassed selfishness and put me in jeopardy. I have a constant need to love and nurture those around me, my happiness depends on it. Yes, I am that girl.
Today on the street, I thought I saw an old lover but as my proximity to him increased, I realized that it wasn’t him. An epiphany occurred, am I still looking for that face? Quoting Penelope Cruz from Vicky Cristina Barcelona- ‘the only love which is romantic is the one which is unfulfilled’.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Loneliness, it’s overrated! No one can ever be lonely, because you always have one person and that is you! You can never run out or yourself so it’s really that easy. And if being with yourself doesn’t work, you have one more thing- memories! You can re-live them, you can re-make them and you have the ability to edit them as well. You have your own time machine, you can go back to any minute of any day you like and do things differently this time. Happiness is not that difficult, if you learn how to get there. But learning to take those steps could be a little tricky. Happiness never comes to those who have regrets about the past. Never regret it, it was what you needed or wanted at that moment and you did not know it won’t work out as well as you thought later. My mother always told me that f I didn’t like someone, I should walk away from them instead of remaining there and harming both of us. Sometimes, it doesn’t work that way. You have to be with someone even if you don’t like them because the circumstances would keep throwing you together over and over again. When that happens, you must always return more than you get from them. If they are nice to you, you be nicer. If they push you around, you push back harder. If they leave you alone, you stay with yourself and thank your guardian angels. But only do this when the person in question isn’t your boss :P when he is your boss, you make fun of him/her behind their back and that will do you just as much good ;) Never forget the words that may have helped at a point of time; similarly, never forget the people who ma have done the same. Never judge a person on the basis of one action because everyone has at least one good thing about them. Accept their shortcomings and handle them accordingly. If someone can not keep a secret, you don’t leave them; you stop telling them your secrets. If someone does not agree with you, you simply keep your opinions to yourself. Happiness is not that difficult. If you are caught up in a bad situation, just remember, what is the worst that could happen? And once you have figured that out, you will be prepared. No room for surprises. But never stop hoping for the best. As Red says in Shawshank, hope can be the best thing of all and also the worst. Hope can mislead you into expecting things that wont happen; things that are unfair on others. So hope with preparation so you are not short on caution should your hope fail.

If there was a wishing well...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Well, if there was a wishing well that actually granted wishes with pennies, I would wish to be Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Thank you for asking, it is because apart from being a genius, he doesn’t need any kind of human companionship, does not crave for sex and is good at video games! These are all the things I want in life. Also, he has a drawer full of paychecks which he doesn’t cash because most of the things that he wants to buy haven’t been invented yet! How cool is that? Then, everyone agrees with him because- a) he is usually correct and b) he has an attested document to support him in the situations where his opinion is questionable. So, there is never a time when you can disagree with him because if you do, he will definitely produce some agreement he made you sign in the past which will leave you with no choice but to agree with him. He has wonderful friends like Leonard and Penny who always take care of him under any circumstances whatsoever. He doesn’t understand sarcasm; it surely saves him a lot of time brooding over the insults people throw at him, not that he would brood if he understood them but still. He is honest and cannot keep a secret. Imagine that! Never having to keep anyone’s secret which might put you in a compromising situation where you know something which could help someone but can’t say it because you promised someone else. Frustrating!!! He has a tiny blue plank-like thing which he uses to fold his laundry. All his t-shirts are folded exactly the same sized rectangles!!! What a neat way to organize. OMG! I am getting desperate for a wishing well where I can either wish to be him or wish to get a life. But I can’t wish for the latter because then I would have to explain it to the well as to what I mean by “Give me a life!”. So, being SC is a better idea :D

Stream of consciousness..

Sunday, March 4, 2012
You see someone at the mall, bump into them in the restroom and smile, you come out talking and when you are 56 years old, you still talk to that person and they are your best friend now. You have shared love, laughter and sorrows but in that moment when you first saw them little did you know that this exchange of smiles will last a lifetime! Destiny works in mysterious ways and they say that everything that happens happens for good. It is a bad thing to wonder. Wondering leads to the arising of questions and questions are these little evil things that have the power of leaving you craving and unfulfilled.
“I was a quick, wet boy/ Diving too deep for coins”
It is amazing how time just runs out at its speed and we fail to notice. The cells in our body multiplying everyday to make us grow older and older and we still fail to notice, fail to capture every moment that is passing because it will only come to us but once. Language is the biggest achievement of man I feel because without words, how crippled one would be but without language, may be life could have been simpler. How simple is an animal’s life! Be born, eat and grow up, reproduce, protect yourself and your progeny and embrace death whether it comes from age or from someone whose jaws are stronger than yours. For a human being, be born, eat and grow up a little, learn how to keep everyone happy, always try to make others happy, forget about your happiness, keep mom happy, keep daddy happy, children and spouse should be happy, keep the neighbor’s new dog happy and oh, you are old now. Could you make everyone happy through your lifetime? What, you couldn’t? Die in shame. And after you are dead, your children will fight for whatever little you have left for them and you should go into the light before you have to behold it.
“When she was just a girl/ she expected the world/ but it flew away from her reach/ so she ran away in her sleep/ to dream of paradise.”
Where do you find your solace, you comfort and your consolations? In your paradise! Where is your paradise? It is behind those eyelids when you close them because that’s where no one can reach except you. Your thoughts are your own and no one can steal them away from you. What exactly can be stolen from a person?? Innocence! Because- “the truth is that everyone is going to disappoint you but you just need to find the ones who are worth suffering for”- Bob Marley.

Time, volatile and drugging

Watching closely, observing a few of my photographs I remembered something someone had once said to me- "Roopam have you ever thought how there are other people in our pictures whom we don't know. They don't know they are in our pictures and even we don't know whose pictures we might be in". I had never thought this way but then she was right; we never even notice the unnamed, unknown people in our pictures who are somewhere in the background, not even completely sometimes. Some woman's duppata, somebody's arm, some other person's shoe may be but we look at our pictures and notice only the people in the foreground, the people we know and took the pictures with. Camera is a wicked thing, it creates these epiphanies that we keep with us for long and then somewhere in the distant or near future, we look at them and wonder how we have grown since this scene was captured. I was fatter, may be thinner, looked better or may be worse but the picture fails to remind us how we felt at that very moment. The most phenomenal moments of our life take place usually without a camera to capture it. I wish cameras could capture thoughts in that their exact, true and unadulterated form because only a few thoughts can be expressed freely. Fear is a thing that has the highest potential of controlling our actions, we intend on doing so much but dismiss most of it because of fear; fear of judgement, fear of loss, fear of hurt and fear of failure. Why fear? Is fear worth not doing what our heart desires? Is fear worth not living the life that we know will make us happy? May be it is for we are trained to live a life that will bring us the best reviews from those around us, those who we like to think matter to us. But since survival is the most basic instinct in any living being, we condition ourselves into believing that the rules laid out for us are the ones we have to follow because this makes our life easier, lesser work to do, lesser struggle in searching for our identity and a fuss-free life. The problem only arises when these bounds and parameters fail to accommodate our self-worth. We are born with our own talents, everyone different from the one beside them and one given protocol can never keep everyone happy. Happiness is just a pursuit they say, but is it really? How can one pursue it if satisfaction doesn't come easily?
If I had one wish, I would only wish for one thing- a time machine. Don't we always look back and feel like returning to one particular minute and 'doing it right'? It is just a way of consoling ourselves that if given a chance, we are capable of doing things right because for one moment we want to forget that we are incapable of doing it right in the one and only chance we got that last time. But who says that life doesn't give second chances?? It sure does but the time which has run out of your hands will not come back and hence, the second chance doesn't bring much benefit. Why can't time be controlled and made to run according to oneself? Why can't the pain we have inflicted on others be reversed and erased? Memories! Another one of God's conspiracies to punish mortals and make them suffer for their actions. If there were no memories, there will be no pain and sadness. But there will be no happiness either so what is more important? Pressing the bad memories to your bosom and crying or kissing the good ones in order to smile? I read a book once which said that souls in fact do exist and they are born and reborn together to serve their purpose. Was my mother related to me in one of my previous incarnations as well? Were my friends with me even then? What purpose do we have with each other now? mysteries of the universe, of the human life, of our own lives. We breathe because it is an involuntary action, we don't commit a suicide because we know we are liable to others in our life ad yet again I come back to my point- fear! We are afraid of what might lay ahead for us. Do we really know? And what if the stories of people being hung through their toes over a pit of fire because they committed the sin of ending their lives without God's will are true? Fear it is then, controlling us through every last minute of our lives. Give in to it or fight it, happiness will have to be pursued for it won't come easily through either way.